SPEAKER_00 0:45

I was always pouring out to everybody when it became my turn. It's like, well, what was left for me? Now it's like I'm not having to pour out unless I want to. It feels amazing just to live.

SPEAKER_01 1:17

I am your host, Yolanda Holiday, and I thank you for joining me for another episode. Jumping into our first segment, The Pairing, here at the pairing, we feature a black-owned wine. Today our feature is going to be brown estate. It is brown red wine blend. It is a red wine blend of carabet, pinot noir, and temperanillo. It is a smooth, easy red wine. If you enjoy red wine but don't like a full body, this is a really good choice. It is sold at your local stores. Again, we support black-owned businesses here, including black-owned wines. On the label, you will notice a very beautiful brown girl. That is what caught my attention. If you have tried this, please leave me a comment and let me know what your thoughts were. And if you haven't and you plan on, once you try it, please leave a comment. Let us know what you think. If you happen to go to Brown Estate, which is located in California, let them know you learned about them from us. Okay, jumping into our episode, I'm going to introduce our guests. Coco Pew is a certified coach, author, speaker, and founder of Go Be Her University. Through her own journey of healing, rebuilding, and rediscovering her identity, she has become passionate about helping women move from brokenness to purpose. Today she empowers women and girls to heal, to live the best life that they should live. Welcome, Coco. Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 2:48

Thank you so much for having me.

SPEAKER_01 2:51

I'm excited for this conversation. Just in meeting you, I know it's going to be a great conversation.

SPEAKER_00 2:57

Absolutely. Um, to be honest, um, it's my season of becoming, being free and becoming. Um, like so many people, like we go through whatever and life situations they kind of hinder us and kind of you know put us off track or whatever. So I'm in my my season of just being at peace and becoming who I was supposed to be from the beginning. No stress, no irritation, no aggravation, just peace. Nice.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

So your season of becoming looks like peace.

SPEAKER_00 3:39

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 3:41

So when you know life happens and things happen because we know life happens, um, how do you handle it differently now than before this season?

SPEAKER_00 3:51

So back in the day, as the kids say, um, you know, everything would get to me, you know, it would be, you know, what people thought about me, how they felt about me, and it was like I was I was more of a people pleaser. I was always pouring out to everybody, um, every ounce of me. And so when it got, when it became my turn, it's like, well, what was left for me? And so at this point in my life now, it's like I'm not having to pour out unless I want to. It's it's strictly voluntary and not involuntary how it was before. Um, and honestly, like it feels it feels amazing to just be able to to just live. You know, I'm not worried about, you know, what the next person says. I'm not worried about trying to keep up with the Joneses. I'm worried about I'm worried about Coco, you know, my husband, my kids. I'm just I'm trying to live and just be at peace. And so, you know, like I said, there was a point where everything bothered me, you know, from the looks and the fact that, you know, my style of dress is different from other people, and how I interpret things is different from other people, how our process is different from other people. And it's like now I care, but I don't. It's like sorry, but not sorry, you know what I'm saying? So, you know, that's just that's the place that I'm in right now. Broken relationships, and you know, now I have the best. When I say the best husband in the whole wide world, he's amazing. Okay, amazing, and so I guess it took me having to go through all of the things that I went through in order for me to get to this place where I feel I truly deserve to just be at peace, you know.

SPEAKER_01 5:30

I I respect that. I found that um I want all women, black women, to get to that place, and I don't think that we're given grace in life to know that it's okay to put ourselves first because when you put yourself first, you're often labeled as selfish or self-centered, and there's such a negative tone to it that many of us still feel like we have to pour into everyone else. And for me, I think I hit that point maybe maybe four years ago when I started realizing this just doesn't feel right, but it's only been like the last year that I felt empowered enough to unapologetically put myself first. So, in putting yourself first, like what was your aha moment that made you realize, like, wait a second, I matter, I'm important to me.

SPEAKER_00 6:17

So, my aha moment, just to be completely honest and transparent, was my last marriage. Um, I was with my ex-husband for almost eight years, and he was a bit younger, so it's like I poured into him, you know, I wanted to see him, you know, I wanted to see him win. But because I think I cared more about him and you know his his future than he did, like it drained the life out of me, literally. And it's like things that I should have watched out for in the beginning. It's like, oh, okay, well, he'll learn. You know, he's never been married before, you know, he's never been this before, he's never done that. And it's like after watching myself now, well, looking at myself now and back then, it's like there were signs that I didn't follow. They were like, girl, you better stop. And I kept going, all because, oh, well, he treats me nice, oh, he authentically loves me. Um, but it wasn't until um I had enough. Like I had enough. I was like, yo, this right here is for the birds. And so I had to make a decision for myself. Do you want to do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you want to continue to pour into a person that doesn't even see value in themselves, doesn't see value in you, doesn't love themselves, and and they definitely can't love you the right way. So it's like I got to a place where I'm like, you know what, I can't do this. I can't do this anymore. Um, I love you, bye-bye. And so, you know, we still have like a pretty decent relationship because we did accomplish quite a quite a few things being married. Like, you know, I adopted uh my first daughter, um, you know, and he and I we started that process together. So it's like we still have, you know, a friend relationship, so to speak, because we kind of co-parent. But at the end of the day, it took me having to go through the things that I went through with him. Um, and right after he and I decided to separate, for me to realize that I deserved so much more, so much better than what I was getting. So I took time away from dating, relationships, you know, trying to be seen on the scene. Um, and I focused more on my relationship with my with my daughters because I ended up adopting a second, my youngest. Um, but I took time and I was like, okay, God, what is it that you really want me to do? I'm not focused on a relationship, and I really didn't want to be married again because I'm like, this this right here, this is not my happily ever after. So in the midst of you know, me taking away time for myself, you know, I was still putting God first, but I'm like, okay, the Bible says that when you delight yourself in him, he'll give you the desires of your heart. And it's like deep down in inside, I knew that I wanted that that night in shining armor. So without me even trying to impress anybody, it's like God says, okay, well, you you're focusing on me and you're doing community service and community work and you're being a great mom to your kids. Now I'm gonna drop this in, I'm gonna let you have this moment. And so, you know, I just it was after that first relationship. And I'm I mean that that my last marriage and and now this relationship. And so, like I said, my husband came in and he wasn't playing no games. He was like, We we gonna do this, I'm ready. And I was like, Yeah, okay, whatever. You know, and so you know, in the midst of the yeah, okay, whatever, like he showed up and he showed out. He was like, he he set the date, he picked colors, he did all of that. And my prayer to God was, if this is what you got for me, I'm taking my hands off, I'm not doing nothing. And he came in, and I mean, it's been you know, it's been great. So that was my turning point, just having having enough.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

I am loving that for you, and what what I got from or what I received, the most empowering thing of what you said is, and I find a lot of times we fall into this, we are in a bad relationship, and yet that person doesn't hold up to what we want or need, and we leave that and say that it was them. But what you did was you took the time to reflect, you took the time to look within and figure out, okay, that wasn't for me, but what is for me? What is it I need to do to find my peace? And I think that's a step that a lot of women miss because I also took a year off. So I think that's a step a lot of women miss is even no matter what happened in that relationship, no matter what role the other person played, you're responsible for your own peace. So what was it that made women what was it that made you stay and go through that to get to the point where you decided I needed to leave and reflect on that so that it doesn't show up in the next relationship?

SPEAKER_00 10:57

Absolutely. It took a lot of self-reflecting, just being honest with you, because a lot of times, like we we we play the blame blame game. You know, well, he should have done this or she should have done that, and oh well, maybe if they would have done this differently, then my response would have been differently. Well, you accepted whatever it was, like you allowed them, and that's what I had to realize for myself. I allowed him to treat me the way that he treated me, I allowed him to come in and disrupt my peace. I allowed him, you know, to remain in a relationship, you know, with me, and I allowed myself to be to remain vulnerable even when it hurt, and it should not have it shouldn't have hurt in certain places. So it's like I had to come outside of, oh well, you know, it's his fault that it didn't know. Because I had like you said, I had my part to play. I I married him, even with the signs, I made that decision. You know, no one put a gun to my head, you know, to make me do that. But you know, again, if even if we could turn back the hands of time and redo everything, would we have done it the same way? You see what I'm saying? Because doing it differently, you know, we may not have the same outcome as what we have now. Had we changed whatever it was, we wouldn't have the scars that we have now that people can see, oh well, she went through, you know, whatever relationship or whatever situation ship. Now look at her. We wouldn't have those stories if we were able to go back and change things. So it's important, you know, when we're in that season for us to understand that it's really it's not about it's not about us um trying to dictate what the next step is, it's about us just going with the flow. This is what needs to happen at this moment, make the right decisions and take ownership and accountability for what you for what you're doing.

SPEAKER_01 12:45

And have faith in what's next. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 12:47

It's not the end of the absolutely. Absolutely. And I I promise you, I thought it, I thought it was.

SPEAKER_01 12:55

And we always do because we can't see what's next, and we always like, oh, I have faith and I believe. But sometimes just on the human side, you can have the faith, but you're still worried about man, am I ever going to meet someone or am I ever going to recover from this? Am I going to be able to provide for myself in a one-income home? Like you always have those questions.

SPEAKER_00 13:16

Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 13:17

Absolutely. Yes. Absolutely. So in this season of becoming, we're going to get to husband because I I think he's going to be a whole segment on his own because I see the smile. But in this season of becoming, what are you most excited about?

SPEAKER_00 13:33

Um, you know, that's a really that's a really good question. Um, but I think I'm I'm excited about just my future in this in this space. Um, because it's something it's something that I have to look forward to. You know, it's not all, it's not the weight that sits on my shoulders anymore. It's just it's fresh air. So it's like um I'm looking forward to just my future and how it how it's gonna play out. And that's yeah, that's as easy. That's that's the best way I can put it.

SPEAKER_01 14:07

That's that word hope, I say. Like in this season of peace, I have hope for all things. I'm not worried, I'm not stressed, I'm not trying to control. I have hope that what's gonna happen tomorrow is going to be for my best. And that came with finding this peace.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Absolutely. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

If you have to go back and tell your younger self something, a piece of advice, just word of encouragement, what would you tell young Coco?

SPEAKER_00 14:33

Girl, run! Don't go into the light, Carolyn. No, just keep that. Um, I just I think if I could go back, um, I would definitely tell my younger self, um, it's gonna be worth it. It's it's gonna be worth it. Um, yeah. Looking back, yeah, I would definitely say because I didn't I didn't understand then. I didn't understand the tests, I didn't understand the trials, I didn't understand the hurt. I didn't even I didn't understand. But it's like now, it's like I've I've had that aha moment. Um, and so that's what I would tell myself. It'll make sense after a while.

SPEAKER_01 15:17

And it's necessary. Because it's building who you are today. I feel like all of the trials, the tribulations, the bad relationships, the bad friendships, all of that was necessary to get to this place.

unknown 15:30

Right.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

I appreciate it more.

SPEAKER_01 15:34

Absolutely. So in this season and all the work that you've done on yourself. Well, before I say that, I'm gonna say this. The one thing that I really connected with you when I saw you on TikTok and we had our initial conversation was not only do you are you working on you and you have this feeling of peace that you have discovered and sitting in this season of you, you are also wanting that and encouraging other women to get other women to find that. And that is where we connected because I too want other women to find this place because we don't know it's here, especially those of us who were always in survivors mode. You don't know what you don't know. When you get there, it's like, man, like if you could just feel this. So if there is a woman going through whatever it is, whether it's relationship, financial, whether it's just depression, suffering from things that go as planned, what advice would you give her to say you can get from where you are to this piece over here? How does she begin her becoming journey?

SPEAKER_00 16:37

So, my first my first word of advice would definitely be to spend time with God. And I'm just gonna be completely honest and transparent because we can have our own plans for our lives, and we can have like our our manual, our self-manual. But if what we want for our lives is not what God wants for our lives, then we are putting ourselves through so much extra stuff just because it's what we want. And so that would be my first my first word of advice, just to be honest, just you know, talk to God, spend some time with him, and to see, you know, where or what he wants you to do, where he wants you to go, how he wants you to proceed. And that was the biggest mistake that I made was not not talking to God first in everything. Um, and then you know, after that, you know, just being being patient and trusting the process. Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 18:26

Good advice. Yes. Okay, so I think now we're gonna move on to the husband conversation because I want to know what was different about you when you met Husbe. Like what changed in you that you were able to receive this good man that was sent to you.

SPEAKER_00 18:44

So I want to say that it was it was my my confidence and me reassuring my own self-value. Um, because being in the bad relationship, um and I'm not I shouldn't say bad relationship, being in the more difficult relationship, I'll put it that way. Um, I lost I lost myself because I was pouring out so much of myself into him, into us, into everything. It's like I lost who I was, I lost my confidence, I lost my motivation. Um, I've always had really, really high self-esteem, but like my confidence wasn't where it needed to be um because of everything, because of everything. And so when my my husband came, he was like, No, you are beautiful. No, I do value you. No, you, you know, you are, you know, all these things. And so my my heart's desire has always been to be that Proverbs 30 uh 31 woman, you know, where her husband praises her, you know, her gifts and things like that. And so God, like God started showing me, well, you you're becoming that woman. And so, in essence, when my husband came, he affirmed who I who I already knew I was. So it made it made life easy. It makes life easy. Just, you know, loving him makes life easy. Him loving me makes life easy. Um, and the fact that I don't have to, I don't have to be in survival mode. And it's like being in a one-sided relationship, it forces women to take on a masculinity, a masculine role that they're not designed to do. And that's what I realized was happening. I took on the masculine role of being the provider, you know, being the disciplinary and being all these things, bringing home, you know, the bacon or the bread or the turkey bacon or whatever. Um, but that wasn't what that wasn't how God designed us to be. He designed us to be helpmates. And so, you know, my husband, my husband, he allows me to walk in my femininity at its mass capacity. Um, he allows me, you know, just to just to exist without the worries of, you know, how the bill's gonna get paid, or you know, whether or not I'm gonna come in and my lights are off, or if, you know, I gotta come home and I gotta handle all the things at the house. I don't I don't have to worry about any of that. My husband handles when I say all of that, I am spoiled.com. He handles all of that stuff. I love that for you.

SPEAKER_01 21:09

I love that for you. That is that is it should be a goal for every woman, and but I will be a hundred percent transparent. It took me 50 years and a really good man to even understand that I could have that, only because I've always been in survivor's mode. So for me, it was I just gotta do what I gotta do. If I gotta pay to keep these lights on, if I have to make sure the kids are good, or if I have to do this, or if I I was willing to take that on because that was all I knew. Soft life, it was foreign. Not being in survivor's mode, it was foreign. And then even doing the work, even doing the work and realizing I could be a little soft, it was still soft within myself because I still didn't have the trust that I can be soft with someone else, that someone else would catch me if I needed to be caught, that someone else will make sure I'm I even think of what I need. So that is a very difficult place to be if it's always falling on you. So I just want women who are listening who might be saying, Oh, that's a fairy tale, or that can't happen. It really, really can happen. You just one gotta prepare yourself for it, to be willing to let go of some of it, be willing to realize that if you don't catch it in this moment, you're not gonna die. If you don't catch it and he don't catch it, you will rebound. So let it go. Just give him a little bit of space to show you that he is the man that you truly desire. Otherwise, you're never gonna know.

SPEAKER_00 22:34

Yeah, that's true. And then it's like when you are in like the more difficult relationships and things, it's like we tend to put up a hard stock wall because it's like, oh, well, you know, such and such did this to me, and I don't want this next one to do that to me. And I had to learn that, like I had to learn that early on because those were some of the things that I carried, even though you know I was in my my healing and my rest stage, in the back of my mind, it's like, okay, well, if if he moves like this, then maybe he's doing this, or if he twitches eye to the to the right or to the left, then that means he lost like we had I had to deprogram some of the things because it's like they they become embedded in your mind because you've dealt with it for so long. So it's like as women, we have to understand that not everybody is coming to hurt us, but if we always have our guard up and we're always always in defense mode or always in survival mode, then how is Mr. Wright or whomever, how are they gonna find us if if we always have that block up?

SPEAKER_01 23:36

Yes, that's that unhealed trauma. That's why you need to take time for yourself. You need to take and there's no limit. Whether it's three months, for me it was a year, for some it may be two or three years. You have to take time to heal and unpack all of what you're carrying from past relationships. And those are not just relationships with a spouse, your childhood, family relationships. Like you have to heal and unpack from that to truly get to that place of peace.

SPEAKER_00 24:04

Absolutely, absolutely. And I think too, um, one thing that one thing that helped me during my my healing stage was just kind of going back to childhood. Like I I've written, I wrote a I've written two books. And so in that, like what I didn't realize was I started like maybe 15 years ago trying to heal from some things from childhood. And so writing it out and getting a therapist and you know, all these steps that I was taking, I didn't know that I was preparing myself for who God had for me. I didn't know I was preparing myself to just be at, you know, this place of peace then. I was like, oh, well, I'm just gonna write, I'm just gonna do this, I'm just gonna do that. I'm you know, but looking back now, I'm glad that I started somewhere. And so, you know, with women who are dealing with whatever it is, if you make an if you make the first step, you admit, okay, hey, look, this is not the life I want for me. This is not, you know, what I want to teach my my children, then let them see you make the first step. Let them see, you know, you're willing to change. Let them see, you know, okay, well, hey, I'm I got so much trauma, and so my trauma's got trauma. Get a therapist. Like, those are not things that are far-fetched. Because, you know, back in the day, they didn't, they didn't talk about depression, they didn't talk about anxiety, they didn't talk about PTSD, you know, growing up. They, oh, well, they'll be alright. And so all of the they'll be alright, like it's it, it left imprints in us. And then that's kind of what aided us to remaining in survival mode because it was like, oh, well, yeah, that's normal. But what we what I'm now realizing is a lot of us live in it's like our dysfunction is is considered functional, it's normal for us because we've been there for so long. And so I had to go backwards and say, okay, well, when this happened, that wasn't normal. And I think I need to go and talk to somebody about that because that's not how that situation should have been handled. And so, even with raising my girls, um, who I have adopted through foster care, um, I had to revisit how I was raised while raising them. Because how I was raised back in the day, we can't raise our kids exactly the same way because they process different. And now it's like they have labels on it, everything ADHD, PTSD, all the Ds. And so it's like you have to, you have to now say, okay, when I was their age, what did I need that I didn't have? And so it kind of brings you, brings me back to where I am now, and me having a heart and a desire for women to reach their max capacity, is for me to be to them who they may not have had younger or who they may not have now. It's important for us to build a village, like a village of people that we trust as women, and you know it's hard for women to trust women.

SPEAKER_01 27:02

It is, but I don't know why that is. I have great women in my life, mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 27:07

That's and that's good.

SPEAKER_01 27:09

I don't know why it is, it is, and the one thing that you're saying is we have to give ourselves grace and realize it's not a weakness to say I need help or I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 27:19

Oh my god, you love her. Woo! I it look, it took me some time because I was always taught like you don't you don't show you don't show let people see your emotions because it makes you weak. And so it was so hard, even now, for me to admit that I need help. And like my husband, um, when he and I first got married, um, there were things because I was always in survival mode, I was accustomed to doing. Like, if I went to the grocery store, I'm putting all the bags in my truck by myself. He was like, Babe, what you doing? I'm like, I'm putting it. He was like, No, we're not, he's he's like, No, no, we're not doing that. So he opened he opened my door, which he does every time, and he was like, You go and have a seat, turn the truck on, get in some AC. I got this. So it's like those things, I was like, okay. And I was a little uneasy, and so I had to learn that it's okay when I'm overwhelmed or I'm frustrated or I'm just having a moment. It's okay to say, I'm not okay. I'm I'm not okay. I need help, I need I need a hug. And my my my kids call me a big baby. Cause like around the house, um, if I if if I'm like overwhelmed with whatever, I'll say, babe. And he'll say, Yes. And he, wherever I am in the house, he comes and I'll just sit there and I'll pout a little bit. And he's like, Oh my god, I need a hug.

SPEAKER_01 28:49

But that's the way it should be. That is the way it should be. There is nothing wrong with that soft side because all of us need a hug. And sometimes the little girl in us was not allowed to be a little girl, so we want certain things when we get a little older. So I'm a powder, so I understand. I'm gonna pout.

SPEAKER_00 29:05

Yeah, and I I do it really well. I do it, I do it really, really, really well.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

I love that. So, in your works, tell me what what what are you what's next for you? Like you've you've come so far. Now, what's next for you? What do you see in your future?

SPEAKER_00 29:25

So um, I have my second book that is gonna be um published within the next few weeks. Um, I did write my first one. Um, that one is The Journey to Becoming Her, um, From Broken Pieces to Purpose. So that kind of gives a quick synopsis of my life. My next one, um, the the the um behind her emotions. So that takes um readers a little bit deeper into why women, you know, why they experience so many different emotions. And people like, okay, I don't understand why she's angry, or I don't understand why she's hurt, I don't understand why she's triggered. Um, so definitely I want to continue to to put out that content. Um, but also I have my my life coaching. So I had someone to help me through my process. So I have, you know, life coaching that's in that that I'm currently doing. Um, and then I also have my mentorship program for my younger girls, um, 13 to 17 right now. And I'm, you know, we're we're teaching them, we're mentoring them, we're helping them through, you know, the things that they may be dealing with at their age so that it doesn't take them until they're 45, 50, 60 to realize, hey, I deserve better. You know, so those are just a few things um that I have that I'm working on.

SPEAKER_01 30:40

That is that is amazing. I love it because I love black women and we're supporting and advocating for each other. So if they wanted to find you, what's the best way they can reach out to you, connect with you, and all of the initiatives you have going on?

SPEAKER_00 30:54

So I do have um social media uh platforms. I'm on Facebook, Instagram, and TikTok, and the social media um tags, I think that's what they call the handles, that's what it is. Um, those are all go beher university, and it's all one word. Um, and then I also have my website. Um, if any anybody is interested in, you know, life coaching, mentorship, or any of those things, and that is uh www.gbhuniversity.com. So those are how um, you know how they can how they can reach me.

SPEAKER_01 31:32

I am sure that as many people will be motivated, encouraged by this conversation as I was because I told you it was gonna be a great conversation, and it really was. Is there anything you want to leave us with, anything you want to say before we close out?

SPEAKER_00 31:48

Um yes, so if I could if I could leave just one nugget with with listeners, I would I would definitely want to encourage you. I want to motivate you and let you know that you are enough. Despite your situation, despite your circumstances, despite whatever it is that you have going on, you are enough. Just you being authentically you is enough. Walk in who you are, walk in your identity, walk in your purpose, and remember, you got this. You got this.

SPEAKER_01 32:23

Amen. I like that. So, Coco, I really appreciate you joining me today. It has been a great conversation. I look forward to supporting you and the initiatives you have going on because I just think that when we come together, a voice is much more powerful than we're all breaking apart, doing individual things. So I'm always looking for people to connect with. So I thank you for that. And to the listeners. Thank you so much for having me. You're welcome. I hope the listeners, you have enjoyed this conversation and has fed you as much as it has fed me. Again, we have our segment called In Her Season. And if you have any questions that you would like answered by an expert, whether it's regarding menopause, retirement, finances, whatever life, whatever that question is, please email in her season at winewisdomwhatnow.com. If you have any questions, questions at winewisdomwhatnow.com. This is not only a podcast for you to come listen to, this is an engaging podcast. So please send your questions, send your um ideas, anything you may have, topics you want to discover, or if you want to get on and share your life story, let us know. We look forward to connecting with black women over the age of 40 where we can live, grow, build together, come out of survival's mode, survivors mode together, and find this thing called peace because it is something we all should aspire to have. I would like for you to like, subscribe to this podcast, follow, share, do all the things because of you is why we're able to keep coming back. It's because of you, our numbers are growing week after week. I thank you until the next time. I hope you have an amazing week.